Allan! Allan! Allan!

I saw this awhile ago and it was recently brought to my attention again and it's still funny.

Oh boy

Oh no's!

This is something that has bugged me while watching TV and movies. It always happens. This graph I found at GraphJam deftly represents my annoyance of horror type movies/TV shows:




I've seen a lot of this going on as I am watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Candice as well as when we watched all of Charmed. At least it's entertaining.

Movies

There are a few movies this summer I want to see including Terminator Salvation. Every time I see a preview for it I always hear a part of JukeJoint Jezebel from KMFDM. Specifically the part at about 1:05. "...sister salvation..." Isn't quite the same but there you have it.

Odds and ends 2

This was a nice surprise for me because I have given this subject much thought throughout my life. This was posted on qwantz and it made me laugh remembering all the time I spent trying to figure this out. Now I don't have to, I just need to buy this shirt and wear it at all times(just in case).

I also thought this was funny from QC. Just another dinosaur related item. I did a report on this kind of stuff in my junior year for English. Good times. Not really, high school was not fun.


I saw these on failblog.

Today I saw stars and by stars I mean ouch!

Today I have a funny story with a kind of sad beginning. The mother of one of my co-workers passed away after a year-long bout with bone marrow cancer. Incidentaly another co-worker passed away Saturday morning.. At work we always take up a donation to get flowers or something. Two other guys and I were in charge of purchasing a large potted plant and a card for my co-worker. At the green house I bent over to check the price of a plant. When I stood up, there just happened to be a hanging plant over my head. I almost K.O.'d myself. As it was everything went dark. Or rather, darker. I was a little worried until I realized my sunglasses slipped off the top of my head and over my eyes. Duh. Would have been funnier if it was someone else.

I just drove past a church that had a sign outside that said "Eternity: smoking or non-smoking". Personally I prefer my soul unscorched.

Another great use for pot!

From The Daily Herald again, another great headline on 18 February 2009 " Gas saver? Pot makes gas gauge read half full" The Associated Press SANDY, Utah -- " A stash of grass can take the place of a lot of gas, but it won't do anything for mileage. A Utah man took his newly acquired used SUV to a mechanic to find out why the gas gauge always read half-full. The mechanic in Sandy looked inside the gas tank and found about 35 pounds of marijuana in plastic-wrap packages that filled about half of the tank's volume. Police estimate the pot is worth about $35,000. The Nissan Armada has had several different owners and was once a rental car. Sandy police are trying to figure out who stashed the pot but say the current owner is not a suspect. Investigators in the town south of Salt Lake City say the drug packs could have been in the tank for months."

I bet that was a shock to the mechanic who pulled the tank. And they say buying a car isn't an investment. That car was worth at least $35,000. So the moral of the story is buy cars owned by drug smugglers or diamond smugglers. Just kidding. Drugs are bad. But seriously don't buy a car from a grape smuggler. Ughh. Bad thoughts.

Hilarious!

Here is just about the best headline I've ever read: "Wedgie as good as handcuffs in suspect detention"
It's from the Daily Herald on 17 February 2009. Here's the article.
The Associated Press SALT LAKE CITY -- "It took a wedgie and a headlock to pin down a man suspected of breaking into a car. Yvonne Morris, a technician at the Brickyard Animal Hospital, says she chased a man who broke into a co-worker's car, but he kept squirming away from her.   The third time, Morris grabbed hold of the man's boxer shorts and pulled. Salt Lake City police say she then she put a headlock on the man until help could arrive. The man was booked into the Salt Lake County jail on suspicion of vehicle burglary, possession of stolen property and outstanding warrants."
Pretty funny. I bet he was embarrassed getting his @&& handed to him by a girl. So if you're having a problem with some guy just remember: wedgies are effective. Please don't use it on me.

And now for your consideration!

Epic pirate rap. Never thought I would say that but I found some of the coolest music I've heard in a while. Just when I thought new rap was just a bunch of talentless crap. It all sounds the same now days. Nothing seems to be new but this is definitely not your average rap. Captain Dan and the Scurvy Crew. It's kind of funny and reminiscent of 90's gangster rap. If you think about it pirates were pretty gangster. They were more O.G. than anybody around nowadays. Check it out.



Apparently there is a whole genre of pirate music out the on the Internets. Pirate rap, pirate rock and traditional pirate music. Good times.

hahahha

I swear that spiders really do say this kind of stuff. Have you ever had one that was watching you? Creepy, stupid spiders.



I have this problem all the time. Plus I type faster than I can spell.

Holy crap

I saw this video and thought about the people who said that a body weight workout isn't good enough for them. Here's my rebuttal.

If you're offended by foul language, turn off the sound. It's just music and isn't 

important to the video.

the rapper and the pres.

I had a few things knocking around in my brain and here are the ones that I can actually remember. I know there was more but I have forgotten.

So first of all, Joaquin Phoenix has quit acting to become... a RAPPER! Yes, you read right, a rapper. Apparently he didn't want to keep doing other people's stuff and chose to follow his heart.

In other news, I watched the inauguration today. My boss said that we can come back to the plant and watch it so I got paid to watch. I thought I was going to

miss it so that was great. It was pretty interesting although I didn't expect a benediction and I really didn't expect there to be some jokes at the end.

I didn't know what to think when he said something about "white doing what's right". It seemed kind of racist but maybe I misunderstood what he was saying.

Oh well, at least I got to watch it.

Quit picking on me!

Yes, I know I don't know everything about this conflict; I'm basing it on what I've heard from NPR and the BBC.

The Israel/Hamas conflict has been bringing back painful memories of childhood that I would rather forget. I suppose that those memories have also shaped to a certain degree my view on the conflict. As far as I can tell, Hamas has been launching rockets into Israel for years now. I've been hearing about it on NPR for a while now. Now Israel has launched an offensive to stop the rocket attacks and destroy smuggler tunnels that go in and out of the Gaza strip. The whole world is trying to bring about a cease-fire or treaty or something. There was a cease-fire but Hamas decided to break it for whatever reason. I heard some audio clips from the Israeli spokesperson and one from Hamas. The Israeli guy said that they will agree to a cease-fire if Hamas stops launching rockets. The Hamas official said we will agree if Israel stops the offensive first and that they will keep launching the rockets until they stop. 

Now that is what brings back the bad memories. People who start something and when someone reacts, they get huffy and say you need to stop or apologize because you attacked me. When I was a kid and someone hit me and when I reacted by hitting them back they would get angry with me and hit me again and call me a jerk or something. It always pissed me off and I didn't understand what the hell was going on. If I did something to someone else, they would do it back. It seems pretty normal to retaliate and keep it even. But I don't understand when people get upset about a retaliation that was equal to the act that started it in the first place.

My "favorite" example was when I had a run in with Craig in elementary school. I was playing with a friend throwing a ball against the wall(sounds fun, eh?) and he ran by and kicked the ball away from me. I chased after the ball and when I went to pick it up, he ran back and stomped on my hand. It hurt and pissed me off and I called him a "dick". Now I didn't yell it out or anything. I mostly said it under my breath but he heard me. About five minutes later, a recess monitor came over and told me I need to not call people names. I explained what happened and she said that it doesn't matter. I had to apologize to the person who kicked my ball away and stomped on my hand. I got lectured for the rest of recess. He got off with nothing; he didn't even get told not to step on people. Not fair.

(This was also the same guy who grabbed me by the  throat from behind and told me he was going to kill me. He pulled out a switchblade and asked if I wanted to die. I was already terrified being that I had just started going to public school after four years of private school and didn't know anyone. He held me there for a few minutes while he and his friends laughed at how scared I was and kept asking if I want to die. Then he flipped open the switchblade and it was a comb that looked like a knife. Then he slammed me on the ground and they went off laughing. Again the recess monitor didn't do anything.)

Any wonder why I spent the majority of the next ten years reading by myself? I spent about 5 to 18 hours a  day reading. Pretty sad. On the other hand that's the only thing I'm good at.

Any ways that brings me back to what I was saying. If Hamas started the whole stupid thing, they shouldn't complain and say the other people need to stop first; we are just reacting to their actions. What is wrong with you stupid people?

I know I rambled a bit and didn't really make it too coherent but hopefully you get the idea. By the way, I hated growing up.

Why yes! I am cold.

So with the new year I made a couple of resolutions. I don't think I've ever actually kept one before but I will keep trying until one sticks. Anyways, my resolutions are 

1: Get my finances in order so I can take care of my family.

2: Get my weight up to 190.

Funny thing is that my brother has pretty much the same goals. Of course he has to take a totally different approach that I do. I need to gain about 30 to 35 pounds and he needs to lose about 20, I think. Also I make an OK amount of money but need to spend more wisely and he needs to find a job having moved to a different state a few weeks ago. I just thought it was interesting. We tend to be similar in more ways then I ever expected but on to something more fun!

Last night Candice and I were watching some dance show(I don't remember what, some international competition), and watching the American team kind of reminded me of my favorite dance thing I've ever seen. Robert Murraine is pretty incredible.

And that is all I can think of right now. I had a bunch more stuff but since I didn't write anything down, I forgot it all. Good times.

Nice to meet you...

Last night I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. This seems to happen more often than you would think. It was kind of funny so here is the whole conversation:

matt harris "Honey im home"

Me "Ok.Who are you? My honey is at home where I am not."

matt harris "Uh its matt harris"

Me "Uh I don't know a Matt Harris and unless you're gay I'm not your honey. Plus I'm on
the other side of the country from Maryland."

matt harris "So am i"

Me "Still, I doubt I'm your honey."

matt harris "Well i can make you my bitch"

Me "Yeah doubt that too."

matt harris "So mean"

Me "I only speak the truth."

matt harris "I only speak from my heart"

Me "So your heart says to make people your bitch. What kind of person does that make you?
Good day sir."

matt harris "Good eve to you"


The weird thing is that this was probably the most normal text conversation I've had with a stranger. Also in case you were wondering, (or even if you're not) I looked up his area code (301) and it was from western Maryland.